You Complete Me.

What a wonderfully romantic statement! I used to think this was such a wonderful thing to hear. A statement that reflects that you and this other person fit together much as the finishing pieces of a beautiful puzzle.

As it is a very romanticized statement and I have now been living a new life journey for myself, I find this to be unnecessary. Okay, not a nice or fuzzy thing for me to say; but really, what exactly are you missing that needs completion by another human being? Certainly, you’re the same person that was born into this world. Thought, knowledge and evolution have changed your mind since your birth; while limiting beliefs may have corralled you into some sort of box. Your life is truly quite whole on it’s own, it’s your mind that feels a need to have someone or wants to have someone to journey with you. 

The want or need to have someone complete you is a limiting belief in itself. It says, “I’m not enough on my own”, or “I’m not complete”, or even “I’m afraid to be on my own”. The first two statements can’t be true. We are all enough to be on our own and we are all complete as a singular human being. The last statement may very well be true. It can be very scary to be on our own. As we go through the stages of life most of us are conditioned to be partnered. There’s love, commitment, procreation, child-rearing, empty nesting and living the golden years. It’s an ideal. A map of what life should look like; but according to who? Our parents? Society? What is deemed “normal”?

Now, I’m certainly not saying that we were all put on this earth to live as a monk, isolated at times and without a partner. But, looking over some of the teachings from Buddhism and the Toltec philosophies, there are some thoughts that would apply. Most spiritual philosophies discuss the importance of finding happiness and love within yourself before you can share your love.  In the Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz; the author describes self love as comparable to the unconditional love of a pet in the way that we should have complete and total acceptance of ourselves. There’s no judgment or negative thinking, only a true, appreciative love of oneself, a complete happiness to be ourselves and complete acceptance of who we are. As I paraphrase, he goes on to describe how it feels when you come home and your dog/cat/animal who has waited all day to see you can’t wait to love you. Even if you’ve had a bad day and push the animal away or yell at it to stop jumping on you or licking your face. That animal will come back to you and love you with full forgiveness and no further thought on your outburst. Simply, this is how we should treat ourselves, with love, acceptance, gratitude and total forgiveness. 

Knowing how to love oneself and actually doing it is the hard part. We are the harshest of critics when it comes to ourselves and it’s not always easy to work past how we feel and what we have learned to believe. Change is a choice and knowing that you actually complete yourself is the key.

So, the next time you watch an old rerun of Jerry Maguire or someone comes along that gives you butterflies, think about what it means to be a person that completes someone or what it means to feel like you need someone to complete you. You are whole, you  are wonderful and can only complete yourself. When you join with a partner it’s a journey side by side and not the filling of a need, want or desire.

Jerry Maguire, Tristar Pictures, Gracie Films, (1996)

The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz and Janet Mills, Amber Allen Publishing, March (1999)